A newly married woman turned to the internet for advice after discovering a warning sign that made her doubt her relationship.
On August 11, the 30-year-old returned from her honeymoon and immediately took to Reddit to explain what had happened. User didntknowpickingaus stated that they made some friends on the trip, including a 27-year-old solo traveler with whom they exchanged information on social media.
“My husband (29) made a few comments letting me know he was checking her stories throughout the trip. He is much more active on social media than I am, so that wasn’t a red flag for me. However, I got curious and checked his (direct messages); we have an open phone policy,” she wrote.
More from Newsweek Vault: How to choose a travel credit card
JackF/iStock / Getty Images Plus
However, upon closer inspection, it turned out that there was no chat, which was odd since she knew the two had exchanged a few messages such as “nice to meet you.”
She wrote: “He deleted the entire thread and at first he tried to manipulate me by saying he didn’t delete it. Eventually he admitted to deleting it but not that it was inappropriate at all. He claims he got ‘nervous’ and that’s his excuse for deleting it.
“For me, that’s enough to put an end to this. I’ve lost all trust because even if he didn’t do anything, I’ll never know. Besides, how many other things has he deleted that I don’t know about? And if it was so innocent, why would he even be nervous?
“We got married a month ago. This is so embarrassing, but I don’t think I can live with not knowing. I want to break up, but I’m scared of my family’s reaction. Am I thinking about it too much, and would I be an asshole if I broke up so quickly over something like this?”
More from Newsweek Vault: How much do you expect to pay for travel insurance?
Is it healthy to check a partner’s phone, even with permission?
Newsweek turned to Rachel Marmor, Chief Wellness Officer of PAIRS Foundation, a relationship-building company.
She said: “The question of whether it is healthy to check a partner’s phone, even with mutual consent, goes to the heart of intimacy, trust and boundaries in a relationship.
More from Newsweek Vault: Allianz travel insurance review
“The focus is on the balance between closeness and respect for the other person’s individuality. Relationships thrive when there is a basis of trust that does not need to be constantly checked, but they also need openness and transparency to thrive.”
Marmor explained that the benefits include building trust and providing security.
“A policy of open phone conversations can actually foster a sense of transparency and trust,” she said, adding: “We all have moments of uncertainty, especially when past experiences or vulnerabilities come into play.”
In the post, the woman stated that she had checked her partner’s phone about five times during their four-year relationship. Marmor states that the potential downsides could lead to trust and privacy being undermined.
“Constantly checking your partner’s phone, even with their permission, can blur boundaries and create an environment where privacy seems compromised. This can lead to feelings of suffocation or resentment that are detrimental to the health of any relationship,” she said.
Is that enough to end the marriage?
Marmor advises women to consider the following points before making a life-changing decision such as divorce:
- Pattern vs. one-time event: The key is to consider whether this behavior is part of a larger pattern of dishonesty or secrecy, or whether it is a one-off mistake. If it is an isolated incident, it may be a moment of fear or misunderstanding rather than a sign of deeper, systemic problems.
- Intention and responsibility: The husband’s subsequent actions – his apologies, his attempts to make amends, and his willingness to take responsibility – are significant. They suggest that he recognizes the impact of his actions and is committed to rebuilding trust. These are important signs to consider if the wife feels the relationship is worth working on.
- Communication and rebuilding trust: It is important to have open and honest conversations about what happened and its impact on the relationship.
Reddit reactions
So far, the post has received over 7,000 upvotes and seems to be dividing the internet.
“He got nervous because his chat wasn’t so innocent and he knew you could see it if you went into his phone. You got married a month ago, met this woman on your honeymoon and he’s already doing this!? I doubt this is the first time and it won’t be the last. Probably better to cut your losses now than when he inevitably cheats on you,” one user said.
“NTA (Not that a******) but tell him Reddit told you how to check messages. His reaction to that will show you how worried you have to be,” suggested another.
A third said: “Your marriage probably hasn’t even been registered yet. You may be able to end it before you’re actually married.”
Reddit Update
The woman has since updated her post and explained that her husband proved his point by asking the woman to send screenshots of the chat.
“According to the screenshots, there was nothing to be seen on either side,” she wrote. “He crawled tirelessly, apologized a million times and assured me that nothing had happened.”
She says she “trusts and loves him” and stresses that nothing like this has ever happened before. However, she stands by her boundaries and reiterates that inappropriate messages to another woman would be worthy of a divorce. Since she has no evidence, she is ready to put this incident behind her.
She ended the post with an explanation of the phone-opening rule: “I will never understand why y’all think your phone is more private than your private parts. If I can see his private parts, I should be able to see his phone too. We live together and do most things together; there is no such thing as privacy here.”
Have you noticed any warning signs that have caused you to end a relationship? Let us know at [email protected]. We can ask experts for advice and your story could appear on Newsweek.
